Hail Mary
February 2018
Note: This is an excerpt. The full story is available by request through the contact form.
I sat in my room on Christmas Eve morning trying to pick out which clothes to wear that night. Christmas Eve church wasn’t exactly a black tie event, but the only things I owned that vaguely resembled dress clothes were loud, gaudy pieces I compulsively bought from thrift stores. My partner always dramatically rolled his eyes and threatened to stage an intervention regarding my thrifting habits whenever he found a new shirt in our closet. I knew I’d stand out in my 80s-bowling-alley-carpet button down and bright blue sweater, but it was also an opportunity to passive-aggressively dare all the Good Suburban Christian Housewives at my parents’ church to say something, so I pulled the items out to iron.
While I waited for the water to heat up, I scrolled through my phone as usual. I liked festive Instagram photos, glossed over spammy video ads on Facebook, and reblogged five versions of the same meme on Tumblr. And then I saw the little message notification on Tumblr. It was Tanner.
tantheman: hey eliot can i tell you something?
I knew this couldn’t be anything good. Not the cryptic way he sent that message, not the timing on Christmas morning, not knowing how Tanner’s family life was. My heart pounded as I sent my reply.
eliottrash: sure
One simple word of text cloaked my worry, and I was glad Tanner wouldn’t be able to see my leg bouncing anxiously or the way I bit my lip in anticipation of the next message. For all he knew, I was calm. I was collected. Just the way I should be.
tantheman: uh i was stupid and i ate some of the snacks for tonight then my mom saw and hit my head on the wall and threatened to lock me in the basement and now she wants me to say sorry for what i did and now i don't know what to do i can't breathe and now i have to drive a few hours in the car with her now im sick and im really scared
My whole body went cold.
Here was what I knew about Tanner: he was fourteen, Black, autistic, trans, and he lived in Virginia. He played piano for the church choir because they fed him dinner at every rehearsal. He was in AP History but couldn’t pay the $95 exam fee. He was in the closet. The entire world was against him for one reason or another and I was the one person he had to look up to.
I was a twenty-four-year-old out, white, trans queer who lived in Chicago with my partner and our cat. I assisted at a Montessori school on the North Side where parents gave out season theater passes because they’d already seen the shows on Broadway. I went to the bouldering gym every Saturday and could count on going to Drag Brunch in Boystown at least once a month. I was almost everything Tanner wasn’t, and I was the person Tanner went to when he was scared.
eliottrash: first of all, you did NOTHING wrong and your mom absolutely should never hit you for ANYTHING. i’m so sorry Tanner… i can't do much more than tell you i really hope you’re okay today, but if you've got anyone that can keep you safer when you get where you're going or someone you can go to if things get worse, find that person. i wish i could do more for you but all i can do is say take care of yourself <3 <3 <3
While I waited for the water to heat up, I scrolled through my phone as usual. I liked festive Instagram photos, glossed over spammy video ads on Facebook, and reblogged five versions of the same meme on Tumblr. And then I saw the little message notification on Tumblr. It was Tanner.
tantheman: hey eliot can i tell you something?
I knew this couldn’t be anything good. Not the cryptic way he sent that message, not the timing on Christmas morning, not knowing how Tanner’s family life was. My heart pounded as I sent my reply.
eliottrash: sure
One simple word of text cloaked my worry, and I was glad Tanner wouldn’t be able to see my leg bouncing anxiously or the way I bit my lip in anticipation of the next message. For all he knew, I was calm. I was collected. Just the way I should be.
tantheman: uh i was stupid and i ate some of the snacks for tonight then my mom saw and hit my head on the wall and threatened to lock me in the basement and now she wants me to say sorry for what i did and now i don't know what to do i can't breathe and now i have to drive a few hours in the car with her now im sick and im really scared
My whole body went cold.
Here was what I knew about Tanner: he was fourteen, Black, autistic, trans, and he lived in Virginia. He played piano for the church choir because they fed him dinner at every rehearsal. He was in AP History but couldn’t pay the $95 exam fee. He was in the closet. The entire world was against him for one reason or another and I was the one person he had to look up to.
I was a twenty-four-year-old out, white, trans queer who lived in Chicago with my partner and our cat. I assisted at a Montessori school on the North Side where parents gave out season theater passes because they’d already seen the shows on Broadway. I went to the bouldering gym every Saturday and could count on going to Drag Brunch in Boystown at least once a month. I was almost everything Tanner wasn’t, and I was the person Tanner went to when he was scared.
eliottrash: first of all, you did NOTHING wrong and your mom absolutely should never hit you for ANYTHING. i’m so sorry Tanner… i can't do much more than tell you i really hope you’re okay today, but if you've got anyone that can keep you safer when you get where you're going or someone you can go to if things get worse, find that person. i wish i could do more for you but all i can do is say take care of yourself <3 <3 <3